Stuff Pretentious People Like

The Stuff Pretentious People Like Hipster Edition: Bacon

2010-04-28T14:54:00.001-07:00

This post was originally going to be longer and about the ironic love that dare not speak its name: hipsters' ironic love of anything that is from Middle America (which includes but is not limited to bacon). A friend of mine pointed out that the reason for the fairly recent bacon re-introduction is because hipsters like to latch onto anything that might be normally considered beneath them, which typically describes most of the people, places and things invented in the Midwest. This entry will be briefly singling out that lovely, salty pork product that hipsters (those that aren't clinging to veganism for dear, smelly, sickly life) seem to have rediscovered.

I prefer to understand the bacon phenomenon by looking at the status message updates of the most extreme hipsters I see on Facebook, because they are the only way I really can keep my finger on the pulse of what is hip and happening, and also because Facebook is quickly becoming a more reliable "RL" news source than the New York Times. Below is a tiny collection of status message updates and wall photos from the past week to illustrate the bacon-sation that will likely not die soon:

"... knows you don't make friends with salad, but that certainly isn't the case with bacon."

"... doesn't know what's wrong with people that don't like bacon."

"... 'Mmm … unexplained bacon.'" (You need to recognize this as a Homer Simpson quote; he is a huge part of why bacon and greasy decadence is cool again.)

"... will f**k for bacon."

And, the "Bacon Explosion" that everyone cool and yer mom (as long as she's from Wisconsin, and mine is) seems to be coveting:

Next up: "Why TREET Will Soon Be on More T-Shirts in Williamsburg Than SPAM."

Pretentious People Prefer Not to Be Associated with America

2010-04-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is likely going to be a very short rant about a subject that is very important to pretentious people: nationality. Pretentious people (and really, specifically, pretentious "Americans") enjoy asking about and also listing all mutty components that make up their heritage. One of the typical conversations on a first date between hep, young cats usually goes a little something like this:

Person 1: "So, what are you?"

(NOTE: The fact that everyone knows how to answer this question and doesn't say, "female-male post-op," "human," "an astro-physicist," "an under-employed screenwriter" or "professional grifter" is proof of the American cultural crisis.)

Person 2: "Dutch, Swedish, Japanese, Greek, Scottish and 2% Irish." (Everyone is always at least 1% Irish, which is particularly relevant on St. Patrick's Day so that person can justify joining in the revelry without guilt.)

Pretentious Americans love to be tourists in their own country. That way when we get dissatisfied with things happening here, we can threaten to expatriate and go back to Europe (or wherever else our ancestors came from that has a more socially-acceptable government, cooler clothes, or a nicer language than our own), and other pretentious people can think we are awesome for taking a stand ... by running away.

I have definitely been guilty of the "percent-what" game, but newsflash to us all -- we are all American. Yes, it's great that our country was built on immigrants, but that was centuries ago; we're in it for the long-haul now, like it or not. (Apologies to anyone reading this that was BFF with George Washington; you can ignore this.) If I went to Norway, for example, I would probably be beaten to death and left for dead on the fjords within the first 24 hours, particularly if I declared myself to be Norwegian in English.

Oh, and maybe if we're a little less apologetic about the fact that this is what some of us would call a "cultural activity" ...

... we wouldn't have to put those Canadian flags on our backpacks the next time we go to the Louvre.

Part II: Bad Mood Bears -- A Case for Aquaman!

2010-04-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today are days for bad moods; everyone seems to be fairly stressed about things. Actually, I was in quite the stressy rage yesterday and earlier today, but feel surprisingly fine despite having stayed up until 6 a.m. working this morning (a 7-hour project turned into 30, all of which I've worked in the past 36 hours or so) and still being not done with my task list for the past two days (but probably having to be "done" because I am not super-human, despite my own false beliefs sometimes). But, truth be told, everyone gets to be grumpy sometimes or whenever without being labeled a jerk. I was a bigtime jerk last night/this morning, and I'm sure I'll get there again. Sometimes it's cathartic and absolutely necessary to be completely jerkish and just let the mood stick to you like dirty flies on fly paper in order to get your world in gear and get things done. Sometimes it just feels good. Regardless, I feel much better today and refreshed because I just let myself be self-centered for a night and tune out the world (save small, welcome pieces of it) so I could get what I needed to get done finished to the best of my ability. It mostly worked, though I think I failed to do exactly what I expected, but not because I didn't work hard.

Now that I have my little ramble complete, I bring you some further thoughts and details about my earlier conversation.

Aquaman has a sort of ridiculous main picture in the Wikipedia entry. I always think I should like Aquaman because of his connection to water (and the fact that I too have a way with it), but then I realize he is rather lame. Besides stinking royally of fish, he truly does stink as a superhero. Even the Green Lantern is better, and that's saying a lot, I think.

Firstly, he has an absurd name. Arthur Curry? At least "Clark Kent" (with whom he started, of course, in Superman form) consists of two brusk first names. Both are pretty strong-sounding names, too. And of course, the power of "Superman" goes without saying. But, I don't know any "Arthur"s and certainly not many "Art"s that are very manly. When I think Arthur, I think short, slightly bumbling and drunk British men or aardvarks on public television. I do not think of mysterious might-be superheroes. And, his last name makes for a delicious dish, but again, it sort of makes my stomach hurt (I have a bad curry story about a trip back to London from the Lake District on a bus when I was living there at 19 that still gives me the Willies). I guess maybe as Arthur Curry he could work in an Indian restaurant and probably do pretty well ... but he wouldn't be able to turn into Aquaman very readily because he'd have to wait *at least* 30 minutes before entering the water, and I think, truthfully, a lot of cute and chirpy dolphins would probably die rather than be saved at the hands of Aquaman in this scenario.

That being said, I guess I just don't get his whole "deal." He does have some pretty interesting powers. The heightened senses, including the vision in the dark of course and the telepathic communication are by themselves fairly radical. But, I guess I don't know enough about Aquaman, because I don't really get exactly how universal or necessary his existence is (or why he quit his day job to superhero full-time). How does he pick a side and decide what things are evil underwater? And why does it matter? For example, I might be okay with him dispensing of all sharks, but I still realize they do have a purpose in the pecking order and are a necessity (a little bit like spiders in the insect community). The underwater world is pretty self-contained, so how far could that concept carry? And I thought Superman could go just about anywhere too, so ... why do we need a special underwater guy?

(I probably just checked my imagination at the door today.)

This part just seals my opinion, really: "Outside of water, Aquaman will gradually dehydrate and his physical abilities and energy will waver in response." So, basically, a lot of the world -- or at least the part with actual other people in it -- is his kryptonite. He would have to be in a water bubble to live outside. I realize a lot of the world must be his oyster (perhaps even literally), since most of the planet is covered with water ... but I'd think he'd get pretty lonely talking to fish (and where would his "fun" happen?), and of course, would stink to high heaven (not that he could go there).

Apparently someone realized his retardation later on, judging from the following statement: "The modern Aquaman has become a darker and more powerful character, often portrayed as angry and righteous. He is also more self-assured -- and even arrogant -- in his role as king."
So, I guess there's a moral that comes out of that for superheroes worried about their lameness (and maybe even regular people accused of acting ridiculously or pretentiously). The moral even sort of relates back to the first part of this discussion: When you think you're getting too lame for words, just rule arrogantly and be ultra-righteous (aka, when you start to worry that you might be sucking hard because you aren't getting as much done as you'd like, a la me earlier today, be totally cranky). You'll be wildly even more unpopular than you were when you were lame, but at least no one will mess with you.

Part I: Aquaman Stinks (An Introduction to a Future Thought)

2010-04-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a very snarky blog about Aquaman, but I just don't have the time.

I was recently in an "argument" with someone about Aquaman. I brought him up because said person was talking about being able to see in the dark, and I was pretty convinced that was one of Aquaman's super powers.

Needless to say, I was scoffed at liberally and told that I was wrong and eventually that "Aquaman stinks." I am not sure if originally this comment was meant as a commentary on his actual smell or an expression of his lameness as a superhero, but the former concept was definitely where the discussion veered afterwards. You try being in the ocean for over 50 years and see how great you smell. The ocean just isn't as clean as it used to be, folks. Couple that with a diet probably consisting of brine shrimp and other seafood, and you get something pretty fishy and wet-smelling. You are what you eat, after all.

What I want to say is that I found out, thanks to a brief skim through Wikipedia, that I was right about in-the-dark-seeing as being one of Aquaman's abilities. So all that chastising was truly for nothing. I guess I retain even more useless information than even I expected. It's fun to be right sometimes, even if briefly; it doesn't happen often, so I try to enjoy it, even when it's about the little things.

I want to do some investigative reporting to find out more about Aquaman and write about it later, but, there's work to do.

You can clearly expect some pretty exciting things from me in the future.

Pretentious People Should Like Aquaman

2010-04-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

While browsing through some old things I'd written in what I thought was my non-Pompous-Pilate voice, I realized I had written more than one short, non-fiction essay dedicated to a pretty heavy analysis of the underdoggish superhero, Aquaman. Starting out as a nerd that could not survive in many normal human environments but somehow blew up into a cocky bastard, I started to see how Aquaman really is the perfect superhero for the most self-righteous and pretentious among us.

Aquaman may in fact be one of the first modern hipsters.

Therefore, I present a slight departure from the usual "Stuff Pretentious People Like" format in the form of two pieces about the mysterious, winter-kill-smelling force that is Aquaman.

Pretentious People Enjoy Baffling You with Their Facial Hair

2010-02-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

An evening out at a crowded hipster joint on Saturday night convinced me of one thing that will make for a pretty short blog post: pretentious people love sporting facial hair patterns that defy the laws of physics. There is no doubt in my mind that they believe the more socially awkward their beards and moustaches are – and the more they can make you uncomfortable by giving you the “Blue Steel” (TM Zoolander) gaze when you look at them (because obviously any lingering glance is because you feel confused, but ultimately humbled by their great creative growth accomplishment) – the more successful they will be at being quirky, which will hopefully make it okay for them to be lawyers instead of musicians, artists and writers … or make it acceptable for them to say they are musicians, artists and writers without having to actually “create” anything tangible.

The following are three of my least favorite combinations:

The Modified Tom Selleck

This one is basically characterized by the absence of a beard, and the presence of a mustache with neither rhyme nor reason. It didn’t even look good on Magnum P.I., and women secretly wanted to boff him in spite of it … not because of it. We know better now.

Choplets

Mutton chops have been around forever, but “choplets” are what happens when there is no moustache or attention paid to anything that surrounds the mutton chops. In this scenario, the hairy chops appear as though they’ve been vomited out by the rest of the hair. Often this look accompanies “ironic” pattern baldness.

The ZZ Topless

This look is basically what happens when a person with no hair grows an absurdly long beard. It can be seen with or without a moustache, and often is accompanied by a trucker hat or a derby.

And here’s a taste of what you’d really be doing if you weren’t thinking so hard about it, and genuinely were a true beard-or-stach-trepreneur:

The Spaghetti Bowl

The Hepa Filter Handlebar

The Dusty Cradle

Gratuitous experimentation with facial hair began as an ironic experiment in shocking others. I have not proven this hypothesis beyond a reasonable doubt, but it is my fairly educated opinion as a person that has mingled, often undetected, amidst the awkwardly bearded in New York City for almost a decade. However, I believe that now these pretentious many that have learned to so expertly manipulate their own hormones are so lost in their own irony that they are drowning in a sea of their razors’ worst decisions.

This blog post was brought to you by the World Beard and Moustache Championships (which is the next level you could achieve if you stopped simply competing with yourself or the homeless people in Williamsburg).

5 Conversation Topics Pretentious People Will Be "All Up Ons"

2010-01-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

Whether you’re going out for some PBR/Old Kentucky Gentleman whiskey shot drink specials after work … or some cosmos, you can bet you’re going to run into some pretentious people you need to keep occupied that are attached to your boss, co-workers or your new significant other and need to be kept busy and impressed.

The following five topics will make you acceptable unto the self-proclaimed high-and-mighty set and will surely start a heated debate that will last well into the morning after hangover. (Most likely, this topic will be revisited in the future until an endless list is created.)

“What are the empirical differences between The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre?” Note: Skinny jeans and Converse must be in the equation before broaching this topic. Also, be prepared with song titles, as this topic may erupt into a chronological list of each band’s entire catalogue.

“Is it true that left-brained people, ie., artists, musicians and writers are incapable of holding down a job, doing their own finances, or being responsible, not unlike the mentally challenged?”
“What’s your biggest guilty pleasure? And do you like [insert guilty pleasure here] because you actually, legitimately like it or because you ironically enjoy it?” Note: Don’t believe any answer. Most pretentious people are in such denial about irony and so confused about its true meaning that they have stopped being able to distinguish between what they actually like … and what they have just convinced themselves they like ironically or otherwise in order to have something interesting or mildly amusing to talk about in mixed company.
“What’s your favorite iPhone app?” I only say “iPhone,” because those iPhone people tend to be much more apps-focused than Blackberry or other Smartphone users. This one will also give everyone an excuse to do the texting and status message updating they’ve been putting off doing for all of 10 minutes while getting acquainted. You get secret bonus points if you get someone to “meta” update their status message, meaning the person posts about posting a status message update or posts about an app while using the Facebook app, which was just declared to be the person’s favorite.

“How long does fashion take to get to small Midwestern towns … like Chicago?” Note: Being from this “small, Midwestern town” they call Chicago, I was asked this question by a native New Yorker (who it turned out was not really a native New Yorker after all, actually hailing from Cape Cod and Tampa, FL in equal parts) that claimed to be rather worldly. This question is an excellent test to see just how deeply rooted someone is in his/her own bull, and how much the educational system failed the person, especially when it comes to lessons about geography. To use this conversation starter IN Chicago, eliminate “small Midwestern towns.” Everywhere else, adding a statement involving the phrase “nothing but cheese, corn, sausages and fat people” will really get things going and show you’re well aware there is no discernible difference between Chicago and any town in Wisconsin.

Warning: Check the nature of your company before starting any of the above conversations. For example, young Brooklyn hipsters are going to be less likely to believe that phrenology can prove that artists/musicians/writers are genetically lazier than MBA’s and lawyers. In fact, you might get hurt (at least emotionally) if you suggest it, or more likely set off a 3-day pot and “skiing” binge that will also cause an extraordinarily positive revenue shift at Union Pool/Don Pedro’s.

Pretentious People Really Like Overly-Descriptive Status Messages on Social Networking Sites

2009-07-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Let’s pretend for a moment that we don’t all know that Twitter is solely a Tequila-soaked frat house for status messages. We all know certain people reveled in the joy of declaring the deliciousness of their sausage sandwiches when status messages were a mere glimmer in the eye of Myspace (yes, even before Facebook made sweet love to us all).

Pretentious people have always loved status messages. Most notably, it gives them a completely socially-acceptable forum in which to discuss the minutia of their existences. But the love definitely doesn’t stop there. The following are three huge reasons that overly-, often unnecessarily-descriptive status messages are popular among the tragically hip.

Status Messages Are Irrefutable Proof that You Are Busy.

As previously mentioned, the more pretentious you are, the busier you must appear at all times. A major barometer for your busy-ness is your status message. Did you only change it once today, and is it still about what you have for breakfast? Well, then you probably haven’t done much SINCE breakfast, right? If you change your status message every time a new assignment lands on your desk or every time the woman in the blue sweater on the North wall laughs at the giraffe-themed YouTube video her boyfriend sent her and interrupts you from sending that important e-mail to your boss (or getting your fourth Tetris in a row), everyone will know you have places to go and people to see. Thanks to the ability to comment on your own status messages, you can increase the appearance of being busy exponentially by responding to every friend comment or “like” that appears to give additional details. Just don’t forget your iPhone when you take a bathroom break.

The More You Explain, the Less People Can Argue.

If you are really descriptive about what you are doing at all times, no one can ask you to explain yourself (at least not without looking like he/she is trying way too hard). And the point of being out there on social networking sites is to guarantee yourself a place to have the last word. The more detailed your status message is, the more believable it will be. If you just say, “[Insert Name Here] is at home,” you’ve missed the train to the Big Time. Everyone can be at home, after all, and there’s nothing particularly interesting about it. To guarantee that everyone can get a mental picture of you immediately (and one that will hopefully stick with them for at least the next 30 seconds, when you post another update), you should say, “[Insert Name Here] is at home and can’t believe she has to tell her daughter to stop yelling at the donkey … AGAIN; the frustrations of parenting are endless!”

Status Messages Give You an Acceptable Place to Illustrate Why Your Kids Are Better and Cuter than Anyone Else’s Kids.

In real life, if you endlessly prattled on about your children and how cute they are, repeating everything they said and did every moment of every day right down to describing the shape of their first official “poop in the potty,” you’d be told you were annoying. People might also walk the other way when they saw you coming … after a while. However, when you brag about your children and your parenting abilities on the Internet (“[Insert Name Here] successfully explained that Mr. Snuggles went to Jesus”], anyone that publicly declared irritation is pretty much seen as a bitter child hater. And that’s a step down from someone that kicks puppies in the face or never went through a unicorn phase. On social networking sites, you get extra points for having children and mentioning the struggles you have with them on a regular basis, and you’re probably more likely to get into heaven, if it exists. You can then safely enjoy your superiority over your childless virtual friends in the privacy of your own home – or through comments on their status messages about eating dinner at midnight over the kitchen sink – without being called “bitchy” … at least not to your face. Note: You have to know that these childless friends are doing the same thing to you in reverse … but thankfully, you don’t have to care either.

If you want to rub elbows with the elite, you need to hop on the rumbling status message bus. Just don’t expect anyone to talk to you in the midst of transcribing life passing by through the window into 140-character bursts.

Stuff Pretentious People Like: Being Busy

2009-07-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

If there’s one thing pretentious people just love, it’s being monumentally busy. The world is a fast-paced place, after all, and pretentious people are right in the thick of it at all times. They’re not like the rest of us, who just glide through life with nothing to do all day, waiting for them to be available so we can have something really fun to do. You are the Ford Crown Victoria to their Porsche 911 Turbo, so you better get out of the way, at least until they tell you there’s room in their passenger seat (which might be on the 10th of Never, honestly).

Despite their monumentally “occupied” status, don’t expect to ever see them anywhere out on the town. They don’t do the same things socially, because they exist on a higher plane, participating in activities to which you are not invited. They have a whole other set of friends that also have a whole other set of friends. And none of the friends you share in common will ever see them either. While this may sound suspicious (and you might start to suspect they are actually sitting at home on any given night in elasticized ankle sweats, eating Edy’s Dibs and watching re-runs of “The Ghost Whisperer”), the whole phenomenon makes sense. The friends you have in common obviously suck as much as you do and aren’t invited either.

While pretentious people are very busy, they are often not very happy about the horrible things they have to do. These also double as excuses for why they can’t work you into their schedules this week and will have to be penciling you in until after their “busy season:”

1. Work. I bet you didn’t realize pretentious people have jobs (being so very awesome seems like it would be a full-time endeavor), and jobs that are 10 times more taxing than anything you could even imagine. Actually, you probably knew about the absolute shit storm that is their office environment, because you probably spent 5 hours today reading their 50 Facebook and Twitter updates, full of very colorful adjectives that make you feel like you are right there, with an obnoxious, demanding boss standing over your shoulder, preventing you from checking your personal e-mail or im’ing all day long. You may also have found out about their dire, busy, unreasonable work situation by two other means: through a hastily-written response to an e-mail from you attempting to solidify plans for the weekend, telling you in 3 paragraphs or more why making plans is impossible right at that moment because of how busy work is that day; through a short, hectic, stressful response to an instant message you sent to ask a quick question about when the person intends to return a DVD you loaned him/her 8 weeks ago. You’ll probably never know exactly what this incredibly important job entails, because there’s just no time to explain (and how could you wrap your little head around it?). No matter what, pretentious people know one important fact – no one in history has ever worked as hard as they do … not even James Brown.

2. Stay up Late or Get up Early. Because you’ve never had to get up before 11 a.m. a day in your life, and because “You don’t need as much sleep” as your “superiors” do, you don’t know the feeling that results from getting less than 12 hours of sleep per night. Pretentious people are sometimes forced to get up at ridiculous hours to be at work or get on conference calls … sometimes as early as 10 a.m. When no less than 12 hours of sleep will do – and 10 a.m. is the magic waking hour – you can expect pretentious people to be very busy starting at 10 p.m. However, because of their busy lifestyle, this often does not happen. Sometimes they have to stay up late to go see friends’ bands play on a school night or go to a charity event with the friend of a friend of a friend that knows that guy from that band who used to be Bruce Springsteen’s assistant. And you can’t expect them to be in any shape to do anything with you the day after that, can you? NOTE: This horrible task can also be used as a way to further leverage an unreasonable work environment, because anyone that was reasonable or humane would send an employee that only got 7 hours of sleep the night before home to prevent that person from getting sick/not being able to think straight/being unable to keep his/her eyes open/etc.

3. Go without a Vacation for 6 Months. If you know just one awesome person, you are probably aware of the dangers of not taking a vacation at least six or seven times a year. Just thinking about and being outraged by going without a one- or two-week vacation for 6 months or even a year can occupy a lot of time in a person’s schedule. After all, normal people get many, many vacations per year to tropical destinations and a chance to really “de-stress.” In real life, and not insane, obligation-filled, responsibility-driven, deeply-sucking lives that involve very adult problems like jobs, mortgages, children, house-cleaning, grocery-shopping, bill-paying, etc., even if you promised to do something important, as soon as you decide to take a vacation, you are in no way obligated to anyone but yourself. If you are truly awesome and super busy, you can let as many people down as you want, drive the company you work for into the ground or let someone die in the street (if it comes to that) starting two weeks before your intended vacation time is set to start and ending two weeks after you get back. You need time to pack and prepare, because you’re worth it. When it’s time to go to Detroit or Memphis on a two-week road trip with your unemployed best friend and her disability-collecting boyfriend that squats in Brooklyn, you can’t afford to miss going to see your favorite band that plays just 30 times per year in your home city, so let no one – and no company that pays your salary’s dwindling revenue – stand in your way.

The bottom line is, when it’s “busy season” in the Land of the Rather Awesome, go with the flow. The world doesn’t really work on your schedule anyway. You’re just lucky enough that every once in a while the world decides to take some time out of its busy schedule to give you a night sitting at your corner bar so you can get out of the house for a change. You have been a little bit depressed lately …

Stuff Pretentious People Like -- Long Absences

2008-07-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Dear Readers,

More Stuff Pretentious People Like is Coming Soon ... I was on hiatus, studying up on the latest fads so that I could bring you completely accurate information. Actually, I was on vacation from the pretension ... actually, I was just taking the news of Phil Collins official retirement from music very, very hard ... (You know that a) I'm not serious, "but, seriously ..." and b)He's not really retiring from music ... he's just trying to make us hungry for a comeback, just like Celine Dion and so many other noise polluters before him).

Regardless, I will be back soon with much more. Can you feel it ... in the air tonight?

Stuff Pretentious People Like: Heated Discussions about Non-Controversial Subjects

2008-04-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

Pretentious people have the best time when they are talking about stuff. Not only do they love the sounds of their own voices (individually, of course), but they love the feeling they get when other people think they are really knowledgeable about something. And many of them have discovered one of the best-kept secrets out there -- if you talk really loudly and sound really passionate about what you are saying, the subject matter becomes unimportant. What comes through is that you have given the subject a lot of thought and have decided it is important ... and thus, it becomes important.

The following is just a sampling of some stuff (a little crap potpourri, so to speak) and some of the reasons why they enjoy talking about it so much.

Collecting Stuff

While most pretentious people collect a pretty small range of things -- such as records, broken musical instruments they can't play and comic books -- what they collect is not as important as how they talk about it. If your passion is Hummel figures, talk about it a lot whenever you are in social situations including exciting details -- the outfit each and every one of your 1,000 Hummel figurines is wearing, where you got each figurine, how your mom started you collecting them, and now she's dead so you have to do it to properly honor her memory, the history of Hummel figurines, etc. The more details, the better. And the more people that don't know what you are talking about, the better because that means you don't even have to know for sure that the details you are providing about whatever it is you are collecting (especially their history, etc.) is actually accurate.

Tip: Make sure before you start to talk about your impressive collection, whatever it is, that you are not in the presence of other people that know anything about the particular thing you collect. A general question like, "Have you ever heard of Hummel figurines?" or "Anyone know anything about Hummel figurines?" will suffice.

Cats (and why they are better than dogs)

This subject never disappoints and can really go on for hours. Pretentious people love to talk about their love affair with cats and how quirky, smart, elegant and wonderful they are and how dumb, needy and "too accessible" dogs are in comparison. Because cats force you to earn their love by being high-maintenance and doing things as they please, when you manage to get them to love you, it's an actual accomplishment, as opposed to dogs who will just blindly like anyone without prejudice (because how much fun is it to spend your life trying to please something, essentially interrupting your life constantly to do whatever it wants just to pay it off in favors so it will continue to like you?). They also love to say repeatedly that cats are so much more rewarding to have than dogs. The argument that they will keep throwing in your face is that cats are much easier to take care of and also more independent than dogs (because they are smart enough to do their business in a litterbox), thus much less of a hassle. This discussion will inevitably lead to references to that cat on YouTube that was taught to use and flush the toilet. When you get home that night from your social engagement, an email from the pretentious person will be waiting in your inbox with a link to this video, so the conversation continues even beyond the life of the actual physical interaction.

Famous Friends No One Has Ever Heard of

Pretentious Person: "You know Gary, right?"

You: "No ... Gary who?"

Pretentious Person: "You know, Gary ... from that band ..."

You: "What's his last name?"

Pretentious Person: "Gary 'Very Scary' ... you know ... he was in the Nantucket Fuckers, The Butt Planets, Uncle Earl's Testicle, Screaming Demons, Fuel Cousin ..."

You can see that just this conversation has already eaten up about 30 seconds of time that you will never get back. And you've not actually received any information that tells you anything ... about anything. Typically the "famous people" that pretentious people talk about do not actually have last names (or at least the pretentious people don't know them, rather only the nickname they went by in their bands (because that's what all their real friends call them), none of which have been actually active since at least 1987, if not before). Still, the person will have a handful of "hanging out" or "funny, personal comment" stories about said famous person that you still have never heard of, typically taking place at a show for another band you've never heard of. The need to explain the famous person's context for the ensuing story to make any sense whatsoever will be so great that the pretentious person will have many minutes of guaranteed, uninterrupted talking time without being actually obligated to say anything of real significance. By the time the person explains who the person is (which still will be mostly a mystery) to the best of his/her ability , you will be so discombobulated that the relevance of the story to what you were talking about (which you've now forgotten) in the first place is totally unnecessary.

Every pretentious person has at least four of these supposedly famous friends and is typically constantly adding to that roster as the relationships with these famous people (aka, the stalkings of these famous people) progress.

The Past Accomplishments of Threatening People in the Room

Sometimes in order to continue to be liked (or at the very least tolerated), pretentious people have to call attention to the accomplishments of others and acknowledge that other people besides them have done stuff in their lives. By calling attention to the accomplishments of others, they look kind, giving, selfless and generous and thus earn more time to talk about themselves later. Pretentious people like best to point out the accomplishments of the people in the room by which they feel most threatened. A tangent goal of pointing out another person's accomplishments is embarrassing the person to the point that he/she will feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and like being quiet, thus giving the pretentious person more space to talk. The more over-the-top and passionate the person is about the praise, the more chance there is that the person being complimented will appear to be full of him/herself and will be compelled to down-play the accomplishment, thus seeming to be ingenuine. Regardless, conversations praising other people are excellent opportunities to bring the competition down a notch without being openly insulting.

Just don't expect to get complimented for that Ph.D you just got in astro-physics or the marathon you won two weeks ago. The pretentious person will inevitably choose to point out your most mediocre achievements from many, many years ago, such as that writing contest you won in third grade, that time you won the 100 breaststroke at a local meet in 1978 or that time you sold the most boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the Tri-State area. This way, it will be implied that your minor achievement 20 years ago is really the last and also the greatest thing you've accomplished in your life.

Stuff Pretentious People Like: Strange Afflictions

2008-04-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

When a pretentious individual just can't get enough attention, sometimes the only way to do it is to claim some form of "constitutional weakness." While this practice may not seem like it makes sense given the pretentious person's nature to think very highly of him or herself, it makes perfect sense when you think about what a good ol' questionable syndrome or condition can do for a person. When you have something that hasn't quite been proven by medical science or is so rare that no one you know could possibly have it, you're pretty much guaranteed to be unique. And pretentious people will take appearing cutting-edge and "special" any way they can get it ... even if it means pretending like they're seeing leprechauns or having waking dreams that wild dogs are attacking their hands with popsicle sticks ... or admitting they had to take special ed in high school (because of a misunderstanding, of course) or be evaluated in a psych ward for 6 months.

Pretentious people also know they get extra bonus points if they claim one or two -- or even several -- afflictions that almost prevented them from making it past infancy or childhood, because they then become miracles of science with a greater purpose on this earth than the rest of us. After all, some supernatural force granted them the right to live because, well, they are better than the rest of us average ones that had just an occasional cold or the flu or the chicken pox or did not experience scarring bullying or the trauma of a 70 percent lower weekly allowance than all the other kids. And don't think mild "physical deformities" or simply less than perfect circumstances that were not life threatening and often eventually went away on their own don't count. They are sometimes even worse because they bring about taunting, which can in many cases be more devastating than illnesses because it causes such terrible psychological damage that survival is almost unbelievable. Such conditions include being sway-backed/having bad posture, having to wear glasses or braces, developing breasts too early or not early enough, having a bad haircut between the ages of 8 and 11, having a family that was on a strict budget, etc.

Another reason syndromes and diseases, real or imaginary are great is because one of the major rules of social etiquette is that if someone wants to talk about being ill or feeling "feverish" or like the side of the body that is supposed to go numb while having a heart attack or stroke (regardless of actual age)"might" be feeling a "little tingly," everyone has to listen. Because if you don't believe and listen to someone that might really be experiencing a medical emergency or have a terminal disease, it's pretty much your fault if the person dies. Even if it's a psychological problem that is causing the symptoms, this problem could grow in intensity until it leads to suicide, for which, again, you'd be responsible because you were a heartless nay-sayer.

The following is a brief list of syndromes and diseases that pretentious people would just love to have and would love for you not to believe they have so later, if -- rather when -- they die you can spend a lifetime sucking on the bitterness of your own guilt (and what brings about immortality more successfully and eternally than guilt?):

Malaise: This affliction is an old favorite among the pretentious population and one that can be used over and over again without being questioned. Basically (in case you are unfamiliar with its clinical definition), it's a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness. Symptoms include being "generally dissatisfied," "out of sorts," feeling like you're "coming down with something" or feeling vaguely "like something bad is about to happen." It can also be used as a gateway to talking about potential psychic abilities and can really springboard a pretentious person's credibility as someone that is "wacky" or "unique." Malaise can lead to a variety of other major diseases (including some that are terminal) and can provide hours of conversation for pretentious people ... because the "What could it be?" question is one that can really be discussed forever ... as long as there's not a trip to an actual doctor involved.

Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS): This is a real problem. Its symptom is basically the irresistible urge to move the legs. Other names for it include, "I Am Training for a Marathon and Ran 50 Miles This Week Disease," "7 Cups of Coffeeitis," and "Computer-Related Day Job Virus."

Photic Sneeze Reflex: This is basically the need to sneeze when exposed to direct light. It can cause disruptions that force people to pay attention to you whenever lights are turned on. Pretentious people will get very embarrassed about this problem, which might cause them to have to talk about it for a while to anyone that has to watch it in horror and panic.

Foreign Language Syndrome: This is a particularly big problem within the Pretentious People Community because so many of them "used to be fluent" in so many different languages. This is basically a psychological disorder that prevents a person from being able to control speaking English or the native language of choice with a foreign accent. Because they already often "sometimes dream" in French, German, Latin, Portuguese, Dutch or a variety of other languages because they were once so proficient, it's natural that this would happen. Madonna started suffering from it when she went to England, and it really only happens to people that travel abroad a LOT.

Bonnet Syndrome: This one is not psychological, so it's extremely hard to question. Basically, it's caused by eye degeneration that leads the sufferer to see ghosts and little costumed elves and leprechauns and things.

Darby O'Gill of "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" suffered from Bonnet Syndrome. It is often misdiagnosed as alcoholism and drug abuse and can mimic the feeling pretty much everyone gets on St. Patrick's Day or while being forced to watch any holiday parade.

Pretentious People Really Like Ironic Images Taken from Real Life and Pop Culture

2008-04-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that pretentious people just can't get enough of (and there's definitely not just one thing), it's ironic images ripped from real life and the endless annals of pop culture. They like to talk about them, use them in their blogs, leave them as comments on other people's blogs, Facebook and Myspace profiles and send them as part of viral e-mail forwards. Many pretentious people that are very technologically-savvy also like to spend hours creating their own ironic images in Photo Shop or taking their own photographs of the ironic stuff they see in their very busy, worldy daily lives.

Some examples of ironic images:

But what is really so great about this irony for our pretentious friends? It's a really great way to show people how smart they are without either a) doing any appreciable work or b) making a distinguishable or useful contribution to society.

How does this work? Well, all pretentious people have to do (at the bare minimum) to get an ironic image is do a few seconds of online searching and, voila! They have an instant and self-explanatory joke that might, in the best-case scenario, produce the same results in recipients as watching an entire Wes Anderson movie in 1/120th of the time. It's a win-win situation. They don't have to make it up or explain it, and they can get credit for finding it, which, thanks to the Internet is actually perceived as the same as being responsible for making it up or designing it or coming up with the idea themselves. And if they post it on someone's public social networking page, they are guaranteed to have lots and lots of people see just how smart and obscure they are, either permanently or until the comments fill up and they are no longer on the first page of comments (at which point they can simply find another ironic image to post ... easy!).

They of course get extra bonus points if they encounter the hilarious and ironic image in real life and take an impromptu photo or design it themselves combining images and slogans with Photo Shop.

WARNING: Pretentious People, NEVER reveal the actual number of hours, days or weeks you spent locating and/or designing said ironic image! If you're asked how long it took you, the maximum acceptable time (if you want to still seem incredibly awesome) is five minutes and ONLY while you were waiting for someone to send you an e-mail about the next steps of a work project.

As an extra bonus, in most cases pretentious people also don't have to even understand why the image they find is ironic. And if asked by the victims of their viral posting or e-mailing what it means, they can always use that as an opportunity to throw in a "you had to be there" or simply be condescending to avoid having to answer the question while still maintaining (most of) the original obscure and hilarious credit.

In most cases, finding that perfect ironic image is about 100 times better than actually accomplishing anything (aka, earning a Ph.D, getting a promotion at work, medaling at the Olympics, winning a Nobel Prize, getting married, having a child, etc., etc.). Of course, you have to find or produce more than one during your lifetime, but that's not so bad, is it?

How many ironic images = one very productive life?

7.

The Stuff Pretentious People Like Translator: Today's Lesson

2008-04-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

It's a well-known fact that while what comes out of pretentious people's mouths is usually English (unless they are rattling off names of dead French or Italian filmmakers or Portuguese ska bands), you can't trust what they say they like as being an actual representation of what they like. Here's a sampling of stuff pretentious people might say they like and what this stuff translates to in plain, inferior English.

Pretentious people say their favorite movie is ...

Anything that Falls into the Category of French Film Noir:

Their actual favorite movie is ...

Anything Your Little Sister Watched in the 90's or that Stars Ralph Macchio or Patrick Swayze:

Pretentious people say their favorite books are ...

Kitschy Romance and Crime Novels from the Mid-20th Century (which they only collect and read for the stunning cover art):

Their actual favorite books are ...

Soft-Core Contemporary Middle-Aged Porn (aka, Anything that Has Been Made into a Lifetime Movie) and "Gritty" Contemporary Crime Novels:

Pretentious people say their favorite TV show is ...

"Arrested Development" (only on DVD and watched on their computer, since they don't own a TV)

"Deadwood" (again, only on DVD, sometimes illegally downloaded in some form of bit torrent ... it's edgy, man ...)

Their actual favorite TV show is ...

Anything Broadcast on the UPN Network

"Grey's Anatomy:"

"7th Heaven:"

Pretentious People LOVE Ageism

2008-04-23T20:05:00.001-07:00

If you're over 25, out of college and entrenched in the work force (and don't work every day staring into the business end of a camera at the MTV studios), you most likely find yourself surrounded by people of many different ages. As you start to navigate the real world, you may even befriend those that are older than you are ... sometimes by as many as 10-20 years. If you meet this older crowd for the first time when you are under 30 and they are really into film noir, organized vegan dinner parties, going to see their friends' friends' old man bar band play disturbingly clean and accurate covers of "Richard and the Young Lions" songs or any like activities, there's pretty much not a chance of you ever being taken seriously, no matter what you do, how well you get to know them or by how many years you outlive them. Even if they die young at 40 and you die at 90, out-lasting their life span by 50 years, you will still never be considered a viable adult capable of really "getting" anything.

"Wait ... what about when I hit 30?"

No. Not even then. In fact, even when you hit 40, these older friends -- when meeting a particularly hip and worldly 19 year-old at a lounge, while sitting with their computer at the corner coffee house (aka, laptop comptroller station) or just out and about -- will almost always refer to the person as "your age" when asked. They also call any male under 35 "this kid," to the point you might sometimes be incredibly disoriented and actually think they went on a drinking binge/skinny-dipped/had a "jam" session with a 12-year old boy.

Despite the pretentious people like of calling attention to everyone younger than they are at every opportunity and lording their age over them like your grandma used to when trying to teach you the real value of a nickel (you ungrateful little snot), truly pretentious people who are older than you will be most likely in the online community to post a fake age on myspace so no one really knows how old they are.

(Incidentally, the approved official myspace age for pretentious people over 35 is either a very ironic "99" or an unnecessarily sassy AND ironic "69." The 99 is typically reserved for men over 40 that are trying to showcase their funny side to attract younger women, whereas the 69 is for women in their 30's who are having a hard time coming to terms with their sexuality and need to put it all out there.)

Why does this happen? Pretentious people LOVE ageism because it's the perfect opportunity to alienate people in order to make their own likes and dislikes seem even more unique. Did you ever go to a Clash concert? Did you get to go see the "real" Pixies (before they were in "reunited" form ... I mean, it was the same people, but a different attitude, because when you saw them, they weren't at their height. You just got their sloppy seconds, and you'll never be able to know how awesome they were in their heyday, because you're not old enough)?

Do you remember that one McDonald's commercial from 1975?

No? Too bad. It was awesome.

But why are pretentious people really obsessed with outing anyone younger than they are? Because they are totally insecure and also worried that perhaps other people might question what the hell they are doing hanging out with potentially cooler, more desirable younger people. And by calling attention to the "kids" and announcing their own experiences, they are reinforcing their very selfless role as "teachers." After all, you don't know any better, and they are just teaching you how to behave in the world and be as cool as they are ... sort of like very hip and self-aware versions of Jesus.

As a "younger" person that couldn't care less about age but also would never have the patience to hang out with a 21 year-old, I have developed the perfect comeback to shut up ageists:

"You know, there comes a point when I stop being young ... and you just start being old."

An Introduction to Stuff Pretentious People Like

2008-04-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the "Stuff Pretentious People Like" Blog.

Basically, this blog is dedicated to many different types of snobs (because there are indeed many, many different flavors). If the first thing that comes to mind is "hipsters," I will tell you that yes, we know that hipsters are becoming the dandelions of today's high pretention society. The hipster phenomenon spans every age group from 14-60 and afflicts those of all genders and with wide-ranging IQ levels ... and it will of course be a topic of conversation in this space.

We'll explore the delicate psyche of those that spend hours making up lists of music, movies and books no one has heard of to list on their myspace profiles in an attempt to alienate others in a way that no "RL" interaction quite can. We'll unravel the complex tapestry of fashion sense that makes people think that "ugly" means "ironic" and that "ironic" is synonymous with "cool" (and not just an annoying literary term that no one can define on the spot a la Winona Ryder in every hipster's favorite movie of the 90's, (what is now retro yesteryear) "Reality Bites").

Of course, we'll also talk about "old school"snobbery born from the greats that have practiced agism and elitism for centuries -- the concept has reversed the "don't trust anyone over 30" idea so that it is now something stated by older people -- "Don't trust anyone under 70 that doesn't own stock, didn't vote republican and doesn't have season tickets to some major cultural entity (symphony, opera, etc.)."

We'll also talk about why certain people are better than you or I, regardless of age or station.

This list includes but is not limited to the following individuals: people under 25 that get car services covered by their company when they go on vacation five times per year to tropical locations (but cannot accurately describe what they do for a living in 100 words or less); people that are 40 but remember their SAT scores and still talk about them in great detail; people that think their life of drugs, sex and irresponsibility equals the same level of accomplishment (if not a higher level of achievement) than a college degree or an advanced degree; everyone that "didn't have time" for college because they were "too busy" teaching themselves "more important and useful things" and so smart that regular education bored them; everyone that "would've done [insert name of accomplishment that requires a lot of work and dedication here] if only I had not had to [insert lame and dramatic excuse that puts all responsibility on a third party here];" everyone that thinks being self-taught at a musical instrument or anything else is more impressive and admirable than spending many years studying it (and actually chose to be self taught even though presented with many opportunities to learn from someone else); people that want to spend more than 30 minutes at an art museum (but only actually do it if someone else will go with them); people that brag about not owning a television set; those that will only watch movies if they can fall into the category of "films" (which I think is defined by anything that has Chloe Sevigny in it); everyone that thinks Chloe Sevigny is the most beautiful person in the world as well as the best actress; people that petitioned to get "Arrested Development" back on the air; anyone that claims not to like cheese for any reason other than allergies; people who prefer cats; those that still talk regularly about characters from "Sex and the City" ... the list is going to go on and on ...

But it goes so far beyond these surface observations. We all know the "stuff pretentious people like," because they can't shut up about it (thus is their nature). What we need to know is what they actually like. Because for every Ingmar Bergman or Francois Truffaut, there are a thousand Ted Kotcheffs and Barry Sonnenfelds ... and the commoners can't be the only ones that pay attention to "movies." And you better believe that you and I are not the only ones that won't change the channel the 100th time "Point Break" is on TNT in April, and that even the most pretentious cannot get enough of the kooky, over-played dead man coverup mayhem that makes "Weekend at Bernie's" a masterpiece in its own right. If they could, they'd be even deader ... but on the inside.